Last Saturday, i.e. on December 4, I have had my birthday. Friday night at 12 I received an sms: ‘What’s your birthday wish? Whatever it is, may it be fulfilled to its fullest extent… Many happy returns of the day dear!!’
Frankly speaking, birthday doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t matter to anybody, so how could my birthday be a special occasion?
You may think that why I am telling this. Let me share something here.
I am the single child of my parents but yet to bring smile on their face. At least once in a day I hear ‘may nobody, even our foes have a daughter like you!’ Earlier, many a times this has made me cry. Now I laugh at this. What can I do, I can’t choose my parents! I was not able to make them happy with my results and career. They always wanted to be the toppers & I was always happy with my ranks! Now they are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for their ‘ugly duckling’, but at the same time they know Beauty sells best in the marriage-market! So, no luck to them and cursing me for not being fair, beautiful and slim!
My father is terminally ill. Need not mention, I have concern for him. Though I am very emotional, but my problem is I cannot express my feeling for anyone! That always sends a wrong message that I am selfish!
Right from my 6-day of age, I live with my grandma. She, along with my aunt brought me up with all their love and care. I have a very special place for them in my heart. I was never pampered by my Didan, but always have got encouragement from her, be it choosing career or pursuing favourite subjects! I share a very special bond with her. I cannot imagine myself without her presence!
My friend circle is pretty large, though who are my actual ‘friend’ I doubt. Whenever they need any help, they renew their contacts with me! Once the job is done, the next question well could be ‘who is Anwesha?’ Right from my school days to present, no change in the status record!
Here I must confess, I cannot pretend. I am same both from outside and inside and any person can understand my nature by spending barely 30 minutes!! I hate hypocrisy. I am politically incorrect and don’t know what diplomacy is! Moreover even if I feel people are using me for their own benefit, then also I cannot say anything!
I always try to give my best in whatever I do. I am not sure whether those are actually ‘best’ in the professional field! Because even after delivering my best (according to me of course), I know it is told about me that I am ‘worthless and useless’. There are some persons in my known circuit who feel their ‘star’ status would be ebbed if they openly interact with an ‘extra’ like me. But had they need any help, they would come to me for help!
I have realized that honesty and hardworking (the most trusted words for me) is gradually losing ground. Backing, reference, recommendations are the clear winners! There was a time, when I had a dream. The dream of achieving my goals. I had great confidence in me. As I didn’t get any encouragement ever (other than from my didan and teachers of school and university) while taking major decisions, I used to motivate myself. But, I cannot dream anymore. My dream has been crushed. My confidence is running in negative. I cannot even think that I can do anything successfully!
I am failure from all perspective. I never bring smile on anyone’s face; no one is/was ever happy with me. Thus, I don’t want to stretch my failure list by getting married and ruin a person’s life! I don’t deserve love!
Now I am silently laughing while writing down about myself! At times I use to call myself as ‘use and throw’ as no one remembered me once their work was over. Now I found another suitable word to describe myself, ‘recycled!’
The birthday sms was about my wish!
Yes, I definitely have a birthday wish and that is ‘I DON’T WANT TO SEE MY NEXT BIRTHDAY AS I WANT TO SEE A SMILE ON EVERYBODY’S FACE!
Let me see if I can fulfil this sole wish of mine!