Moments of Truth

These are few of my personal anecdotes-the good, the bad and the ugly. Some might feel I am a pessimist, to some I might appear as a narcissist and some could see optimism in me. But this is me-the original me!
The Journey begins
In my birth, I was separated from my parents. No, not in the literal sense of the term, but due to medical emergency. It may sound weird, but still it’s a truth. My survival chance was zero as my mother had some infections soon after I was born. So, doctors advised my didan and mashisona (maternal grandmother and aunt) to take the baby home. I came to my home at the age of 6-day and was entirely brought up by them. Mother was there for another month! After that I never stayed with my parents as both of them were working!
I was lonely since childhood. The realization being lonely came much later, but it was there. I didn’t find anybody to spend time with, to play etc. etc. Still, I am lonely. I cannot share my thoughts with anyone. Each time I had tried, the other person took advantage of that!
Learning A-B-C-D
Thanks to my parents, I was admitted to Patha Bhavan , no not an English Medium Convent School but to a school which really helps you to grow as a person and inspires you to nurture your dream while providing quality education. I was selected by Holy Child & Carmel too, but I was fortunate that my parents have chosen the best option for me. Our Montessori (L-Kg & U-Kg) section was at Swinhoe Street, it’s still there. Each time my office bus crosses that place I look at my school. I miss my ‘misses’ wooden blocks, sand shakers, mat everything! In Junior section (1-4) we didn’t have any exam, it was only class performance based on continuous assessment and plenty of fun, music, drawing & activities!! I never felt any burden of studies. Senior section is from class 5. There I found a whole new world. First time I exposed to exams, a little pressure to study. I didn’t have any private tutor/coaching from Kg-PG!! (except a three-month coaching for maths before my 10th). My parents were pretty straight, ‘if you wish to be educated, study on your own!’ That actually paid off, I am proud of the fact that nobody has spoon-fed me, whatever little achievement I have, that’s my very own. My parents were least bothered; they only got to know about their only daughter’s performance through annual PTM!
The Teachers
My teachers have always been a source of inspiration for me. From most of them I have got so much care, concern & love that I cannot even match certain aspects of teacher-student relationship which are very common today. They were the only ones who I got by my side in my hard times as well as when I was elated. One might say, in school this kind of a bond is natural, may be but my university experience too was the same. The professors were no less than a friend, whatever age-difference it might be!! Still, I have contact with most of them. My school teachers call me up as well as my Profs!! I keep ringing them whenever I feel (time is no bar!!)
Jadavpurian
Joining Jadavpur University was my decision alone. I said no to Presidency, Lady Brabourne & I went to India’s 2nd best university. That institution has given me a whole new perspective. It taught me some bitter truth of life as well as opened a new horizon in front of me!! I never stood first, but for some reason I was very close to my professors, though I have a bad habit of calling ‘spade a spade’ irrespective of the place or person concerned.
First step in pursuing my dream
While pursuing Masters in History, I got a call for my first job from ABP. So scared to tell at home, I quietly went to their office at 6, Prafulla Chandra Street and wrote the admission test. It was not that good. Almost after 2-month I got the interview call from the same place & cracked it. Nobody at my home knew that I have already bagged a job. I was fortunate that they have given me an open offer for joining, I joined on 1st June, 2006 whereas I could do that on 11th Jan itself. The gap between last day of my final exam and the first day of my job was less than 24 hours!!
I always have a dream to be a journalist. I was very happy after I got into ABP. But as the days went by, I start realising the various aspects of office politics. I was never a diplomat or image conscious, so I couldn’t compromise with so many practices there. At times I felt, I must run away… I am destroying myself!! There were good people also; I don’t want to take any name… for them only I have survived there for more than 3 years.
An unexpected call
When frustration tore me apart, I got a call from IIM Calcutta for the post of a TTA. Went there, appeared for the test & interview & more surprisingly got selected! So I quit ABP & joined IIMC on 24th August, 2009. It was altogether a different world, the world which was (& is) completely unknown to me. Here some persons in power, question individual’s ‘brand value’, make you realize that ‘general stream’ people are not fit for this institute & so on…
Here I faced certain situations, which I didn’t even think of in my worst nightmare. First time I had to compromise or so to say in a very tactical way I was forced to compromise. That still bothers me, each time I am completely alone I berate myself for that, sometimes start crying. ‘Forget & Forgive’ is actually not that easy!
If I say IIM Calcu____ is incomplete without TTA, that won’t be an exaggeration but it’s a thankless job. Definitely it’s a huge personal learning experience for me, I learnt (at least tried to learn) a lot, but where’s the acknowledgment? Students do acknowledge, but the faculties? Most of them first see your weightage as a brand! If people like me who have come from a very general background, don’t even get the minimum credit she/he deserves! Moreover, sometimes questions were raised about the competency! There are some golden exceptions to this practice those who are very senior or personally have a different outlook. We are like ‘Glorified’ Wage labourer…
Still, I Love the campus. The Lakes, the trees, the colourful flowers & all the people out there have given a different touch to this beautiful place. I know I am counting my days at IIMC, still this short stint with this institute I will remember forever!
My run has already begun for the next big one. Patha Bhavan-JU-ABP-IIMC not that bad & I am happy that I have made to these places with my hard works only.
Search for happiness
I know, my simple, soft (I might appear very tough from outside) nature has been taken for granted by all. Once I left a place, most people don’t even remember me. Still, They know, Anwesha won’t say know if it’s within her reach. Earlier I was a ‘Use & Throw’ article, now with the changing nature have become ‘recyclable’!! Some might like me, some might hate, and some might laugh at me… now I don’t have any expectation from anyone. I just want to be happy with all I have.
I don’t want to make big money, I don’t want to be famous… I just want to stay as simple. Even after so many ups & down, I believe ‘Honesty is the best policy’.
Once I have a dream, it’s still there, I just want to pursue that with grit & determination as I believe there cannot be any shortcut to success!!
Thank you all those who have either positively or negatively help me reach here…

Birthday Wish...

Last Saturday, i.e. on December 4, I have had my birthday. Friday night at 12 I received an sms: ‘What’s your birthday wish? Whatever it is, may it be fulfilled to its fullest extent… Many happy returns of the day dear!!’
Frankly speaking, birthday doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t matter to anybody, so how could my birthday be a special occasion?
You may think that why I am telling this. Let me share something here.
I am the single child of my parents but yet to bring smile on their face. At least once in a day I hear ‘may nobody, even our foes have a daughter like you!’ Earlier, many a times this has made me cry. Now I laugh at this. What can I do, I can’t choose my parents! I was not able to make them happy with my results and career. They always wanted to be the toppers & I was always happy with my ranks! Now they are looking for a ‘suitable boy’ for their ‘ugly duckling’, but at the same time they know Beauty sells best in the marriage-market! So, no luck to them and cursing me for not being fair, beautiful and slim!
My father is terminally ill. Need not mention, I have concern for him. Though I am very emotional, but my problem is I cannot express my feeling for anyone! That always sends a wrong message that I am selfish!
Right from my 6-day of age, I live with my grandma. She, along with my aunt brought me up with all their love and care. I have a very special place for them in my heart. I was never pampered by my Didan, but always have got encouragement from her, be it choosing career or pursuing favourite subjects! I share a very special bond with her. I cannot imagine myself without her presence!
My friend circle is pretty large, though who are my actual ‘friend’ I doubt. Whenever they need any help, they renew their contacts with me! Once the job is done, the next question well could be ‘who is Anwesha?’ Right from my school days to present, no change in the status record!
Here I must confess, I cannot pretend. I am same both from outside and inside and any person can understand my nature by spending barely 30 minutes!! I hate hypocrisy. I am politically incorrect and don’t know what diplomacy is! Moreover even if I feel people are using me for their own benefit, then also I cannot say anything!
I always try to give my best in whatever I do. I am not sure whether those are actually ‘best’ in the professional field! Because even after delivering my best (according to me of course), I know it is told about me that I am ‘worthless and useless’. There are some persons in my known circuit who feel their ‘star’ status would be ebbed if they openly interact with an ‘extra’ like me. But had they need any help, they would come to me for help!
I have realized that honesty and hardworking (the most trusted words for me) is gradually losing ground. Backing, reference, recommendations are the clear winners! There was a time, when I had a dream. The dream of achieving my goals. I had great confidence in me. As I didn’t get any encouragement ever (other than from my didan and teachers of school and university) while taking major decisions, I used to motivate myself. But, I cannot dream anymore. My dream has been crushed. My confidence is running in negative. I cannot even think that I can do anything successfully!
I am failure from all perspective. I never bring smile on anyone’s face; no one is/was ever happy with me. Thus, I don’t want to stretch my failure list by getting married and ruin a person’s life! I don’t deserve love!
Now I am silently laughing while writing down about myself! At times I use to call myself as ‘use and throw’ as no one remembered me once their work was over. Now I found another suitable word to describe myself, ‘recycled!’
The birthday sms was about my wish!
Yes, I definitely have a birthday wish and that is ‘I DON’T WANT TO SEE MY NEXT BIRTHDAY AS I WANT TO SEE A SMILE ON EVERYBODY’S FACE!
Let me see if I can fulfil this sole wish of mine!